MOVIE – “Mars Needs Women”
DIRECTOR - Larry Buchanan
WRITERS – Larry Buchanan
SIX DEGREES OF CAST & CREW
- The “Land of the Giants” connection continues, as “Mars Needs Women” star Yvonne Craig did an episode back in 1970.
- Warren Hamm can be seen in one of my favourite MST3K Experiments, “The Eye Creatures” (1965).
- Speaking of MST3K and “The Eye Creatures”, also see-able therein is “Mars Needs Women” actor Tony Huston, who also (supposedly) wrote the screenplay for the MST3K-ified “The Hellcats”. Who else was in that? WARREN HAMM.
- Why stop the “Eye Creatures” loveliest? Bill Thurman, Gordon Bulow, George Edgley, Chet Davis, Donna Lindberg and Larry Tanner were in that, too!
- But back to Tony Huston, though. He and “Mars Needs Woman” actors Roger Ready, Bill Thurman, Patrick Cranshaw and Cal Duggan were all in 1966′s “Curse of the Swamp Creature”, along with MST3K favourite, John Agar!
- Look for Pat Delaney in 1974′s MST3K groan-fest, “The Bat People”.
- The awesomely named Byron Lord is viewable in 1967′s “Night Fright”, along with names you should have memorized by now (as I sure the hell have) like Bill Thurman, Roger Ready, and the mighty John Agar.
- There’s this other movie called “In The Year 2889″ (made in 1967, DEAL WITH IT.). In it you can find Neil Fletcher, Byron Lord, Bill Thurman, and “Village of the Giants” actress Charla Doherty.
- Alright, let’s just get this over with. In 1966 there was a made-for-TV movie called “Zontar : The Thing From Venus”. Who all were in that? The previously mentioned John Agar, “Mars Needs Women” alumni Tony Huston, Pat Delaney, Warran Hammack, Bill Thurman, Roger Ready, George Edgley, Bill Thurman, “Eye Creatures” and MST3K’d “The Amazing Transparent Man” (1960) actor Jonathan Ledford, “Curse of the Swamp Creatures” actor Jeff Alexander, and “Night Fright” actress Carol Gilley.
- So what do “The Eye Creatures”, “Zontar : The Thing From Venus”, “Curse of the Swamp Creature”, “Mars Needs Women”, and “In The Year 2889″ all have in common? Directed by Larry Buchanan, thank you very MUCH.
- Composer Ronald Stein is uncredited for his work on “Mars Needs Women”. MST3K classics like “Gunslinger” (1956), “It Conquered The World” (1956), “The She Creature” (1956), “The Undead” (1957), “The Girl In Lovers Lane” (1960), “The Eye Creatures” (1965), “Zontar : The Thing From Venus” (1966), “Curse of the Swamp Creature” (1966), and of course the first of tonight’s marathon…”Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” (1958). Most of these are of course product of the immortal Roger Corman, with whom Stein worked with on many other projects, credited or no.
“But the sanctions! Why can’t we wait for the sanctions to take effect!!”
And really, why WOULDN’T Mars need women?
Alright, we’re rolling into our fourth movie of the night, and both Ron and I are feeling the bedbugs a-nibblin’. WE SHALL BE STRONG.
Women Behind Bars, NEXT on “A Current Affair”.
“Honey, there’s something wrong with this c antelope on our table; I’m going to go complain while you take a random shower.”
That looks like the control tower from “This Island Earth”; I hope Webb is working today.
“Quickly, into the giant Nintendo shaped building”
Fries are up!
You know what else Mars needs? OXYGEN!
Wait, didn’t he just say the message was SIX words? Oh lord, the inconsistencies have begun already… and now you’re playing “Simon”!
What else does Mars need? Possibly therapy. A vacuum cleaner. Lots and lots of water. Oh, and new carpet.
This is one weird talk show.
Speaking of lost sleep….
Henry Kissinger is concerned.
That’s a beauty surf wave on Kissinger’s head
“Distinct and repetitive, like the White Stripes”
Here we see the mating rituals of the higher military powers.
“And here gentlemen we have enough computers to play Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side Of The Moon” on infinite loop.”
“Starting the DAT recorder. Laying down ripping lead vocal trax.”
Tommy Kirk is in the house!
“Your interocitor will be shipped in six-to-eight weeks.”
I smell a Flesh Gordon rendition of “Mork & Mindy”. I blame Zsa-Zsa.
“Our craft is small, but it’s not the size of the craft that counts, it’s how you abduct with it.”
A remake of this DEMANDS Harland Williams in the role of Dop!
Are those supposed to be jump cuts, or is something wrong with my TV?
Despite a presumably goofy title and premise, there’s a very stiff, stark, crisp quality to everything in this movie. I am… intrigued.
Larry Miller is concerned by this new development.
Mars needs stock footage!
I think this movie’s saving grace will be its unflinching posture. It simply refuses to wink at the audience and acknowledge how dumb it is.
“I’m not glowing green like This Island Earth yet.”
I think they’re playing the soundtrack through the same megaphone.
Captain, look! There’s some stock footage approaching!
Mars needs reverb!
“That’s not the only thing rendered impotent by the Martians.”
I don’t think this film will cease beating us over the head with stock airplane footage until we BOW TO THE AMERICAN AIR FORCE’s SUPERIORITY.
I love the constant shots of the megaphones, as if to remind us that they’re listening to a loudspeaker broadcast.
That loudspeaker is about as exciting to watch as the Monday Night Raw Anonymous G.M.’s podium laptop…
“Say silhouette again, sir.”
“Look, it’s unrelated footage!”
It’s Ric Flair’s Texas cousin, Red Flair.
Good lord, even the redneck extras (rednextras?) are stock footage!
“Return of the Living Dead”!!! The night is saved!
Meanwhile, a gaggle of Martians crawls out of a giant bong.
Are we not men? We are Devo!
Mars needs vibraphone orchestration!
So they came all the way to Earth from Mars just to buy meth fixins’?
His face looks out of focus, someone needs to adjust his rabbit ears.
“Also among our urgent needs: sweet Earthling poon-tang.”
Oh trust me, movie. Operation Sleep-Freeze is almost a reality already.
The aliens are playing Ding Dong Ditch at the Sinclair station!
Mars needs judo chop training!
This music keeps getting inappropriately wacky, when it doesn’t sound like something Philip Glass composed.
If anything has tied tonight’s movies together, it’s at least one sequence of shooting day-for-night.
I thought MST3K tied all these movies together?
It’s like the aliens are hanging out at a cigar bar.
“Exercise the appropriate amount of restraint of your unique Mars smugness.”
Martian guests of our show stay at the luxurious Atlantic City Motel & Grill!
Tommy Kirk continues to serve as prehistoric Tobey Maguire.
Mars Needs… something better to do on a Sunday night in Vegas.
Mars needs big-haired strippers.
Not bad, throw her some poker chips.
The movie featured on the marquee seen just a few minutes ago is called “The Fortune Cookie.” When you consider it’s Lemmon and Matthau, you have to wonder why they’d feature it in a movie as bad as this one?
“You wouldn’t believe this Raoul Duke fellow in the penthouse suite…”
Mars Needs… smoooooth jazz.
“And somebody’s feeding BOOZE to these damned things!”
“And by charm, we mean big knockers.”
“Our secondary mission : to beat the spread on the college game.”
“Name, rank, and press affiliation. Nothing more.”
And that previous occupant was none other than Miss CELINE DION!
Little-known fact: Martians love the theremin, and bring one with them on every rape mission to other planets.
They look like they’re staring longingly into the toilet.
“Second, give me your striped pajama-dress thing from “The Eye Creatures”.
For some reason, this movie’s color scheme and style is reminding me of the good episodes of Get Smart.
Uh oh, sounds like goofy shenanigans are going on!
This is like a semi-sleazy “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”, with goofier music.
“Subject is categorically referred to as an “air mattress”.”
So she’s stripping to “The Bunny Hop”?
Meanwhile, the redhead from earlier is actually getting somewhere… and the results are not pleasant.
And there goes Bubbles Cash.
Probably not an actress in any traditional sense, but STILL she out-emotes Zsa-Zsa Gabor.
No Country For Old Journalists.
Things were way different before feminism; these movies make that abundantly clear. For example, before feminism, I could talk about what a science-babe Yvonne Craig is.
Why do they gotta be WHITE mice, you cracker racist?!
“And now if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, my hair isn’t bouffant-ed high enough.”
“No, I didn’t make anyone a monkey; those are just escaped monkeys from the lab.”